To whomever coined the phrase ‘it’s like riding a bike – you only need to learn once!’,
To put it simply, fuck you.
You are responsible for
- a slightly grazed shin
- a bruised shoulder
- an admittedly small scratch in the paint of a parked car
Okay, okay. I might have some blame to share in the car-paint-scratching.
But I think the blame rests more with you.
Sit down and think about what you’ve done.
Yours in anger and acute pain,
Andy ‘cannot bloody ride a bike’ King.
To the version of myself that existed on the 13th of January,
I know what you’re thinking. I do.
Trust me, it might sound weird, but I’ve been there. I get your logic. I know the arguments. Hell, I can see your Facebook profile picture.
You’re thinking of cycling to Paris for charity. You’re thinking it’ll get you fit, and help you in your presidential campaign for RAG (don’t pretend you’re not thinking about it), and be a great experience.
And you’re right. At least, I think you are.
But I need to warn you: there’s a lot of things you don’t realise.
Sure, you know that you haven’t ridden a bike since you were 15. And that £800 is a lot of money to fundraise. And, sure, you realise you’re currently not fit enough to cycle 70 miles a day for 3 days straight.
But you don’t know that you can, in fact, forget to ride a bike.
You don’t know that you’ll receive the 16 week training programme with only 12 weeks to go.
You don’t know how busy you’ll be for the rest of the year, making it difficult to train and fundraise.
You don’t know that you’re too lazy to stick to the training programme you found.
You underestimate how many Creme Eggs you will eat over the holiday.
You don’t know how embarrassing it’ll be to fall off a bike. Repeatedly. In front of your Dad.
And I just think you should be warned.
By all means, DO IT!
But don’t pay that deposit lightly. It’s a serious commitment and you’ll need to do a lot of work to actually get fit enough to do the ride AND to get the funds to do so.
There’ll be a lot you’ll need to do. And there’s a lot you’ll try out just to see if it works.
Hell, you might even end up 80 something days away from the trip and writing a letter to yourself, highlighting the humorous difficulties of the task, as a way of pleading with your friends to donate…
Yours in warning,
Andy ‘desperate for donations and wishing the adventure date was further away’ King